I dream about him everyday...and if I don't have a dream, I think about him everyday. I just had a dream about him now, so in order to accurately remember the details, I'm sitting here in my bed at three a.m. typing this out. I hate that...when you have a dream, and the next day, you do something totally random that reminds you of it...only, you can't really remember what exactly happened...they say you should keep a "journal" next to your bed and record the dreams you want to remember. I'm not that cool, so instead, I'm just going to blog about it...it's about that time that I write something anyway, so here it is.
In the dream I just had, I woke up. I walked out of the bedroom of my child hood home on Mulligan. I look to the left...the kitchen is pitch dark. This scares me even more, because in the dream, I had just had a bad dream (level 2...if you've watched Inception, you know what I mean, SARAH!) Anyway, the kitchen is dark...so I run the 14 feet to the left and go into his bedroom. I'm crying...I'm little again. "I miss my mommy!" They are both asleep, but as he did so many times before, when I'd ask him to sit with me, he gets up, and takes me into the t.v. room. He has a mug of coffee...haha, always had coffee. The house is exactly as I remember it...it's not some weird hybrid that dreams often come up with. He puts his coffee down on the little wicker stand that is under our window. I put the pillow down on the couch and turn on the t.v. Alf is on...at least the dream is even keeping up with the times. I lay down on his lap, and feel safe, comfortable, and certain that he will always be as strong as he is right now.
I felt that he'd always be this way in the dream I had last night too...this one I only remembered this morning, way after the fact. I kept thinking about him, not that it is odd, but I felt like there was a reason that I kept thinking about it. Then I remembered it. The details of this dream are super vague, but I remember that I gave him two kisses...I never only gave him just one. Especially at the end when I wasn't sure if I'd see him again the next day. I gave him two kisses on the cheek. His face felt the same as it always did...needing a shave, even though I had just given him one earlier in the day. And he is smiling...always smiling. But, in the dream I have forethought. I know I need to kiss him twice because I know that he will not always be strong. For some reason in this dream, I know that I need to kiss him twice, because in the near future, he may not remember me. He probably won't remember me. Maybe he won't talk anymore...he'll still smile, but he'd smile if someone had a gun to his head, so that doesn't even mean he remembers me. Always kiss him twice, because maybe tomorrow, they will call and say he's gotten worse...or something even worse than that....but what is worse than that at this point?
If you don't know me well enough, this post is just the ramblings of a crazy person. If you know what I'm talking about, then I'm sorry this is so depressing. It's 3:40 a.m., the same time the clock read in the dream I just had...what does that mean? Probably not a damn thing...but instead of saying "I miss my mommy," I'm going back to bed thinking, "I miss my papa."
